She who walks alone…
I often felt like an outsider. Like if you knew the real me, you wouldn’t like what you’d see.
And on the outside, I looked like the girl who had it all going on, popular, pretty, good family, average student, but on the inside I felt very different.
I had a depth, a knowing, a feeling I was meant for more.
And I felt like I couldn’t be the real me. That I wasn’t enough, so I played different roles, roles I knew were “accepted” and liked.
I also did everything to not be “different” because I didn’t want to be judged. I wanted to be liked. Is it funny how that doesn’t seem to change as age…the desire to be liked.
I would write poems but it felt too vulnerable to share my inner thoughts and fears – so I even judged my own words and deemed them dark.
I had a dream of being an actress and shrugged it off with the belief that acting was only meant for super talented girls, who can sing that were beautiful and super skinny – not like me (or what I saw myself as at that time).
I had a dark side, or what is called the shadow, that I was very aware of and I am an empath and had no idea why I felt so much, so deeply, but no one seemed to talk about varying emotions and feelings. It didn’t seem acceptable to be too sad, or angry or “too” anything. Like as a girl you’re just supposed to smile and look pretty and sit quietly.
I had a funny side and going to all-girls school, I was the class clown. I am funny and always made my friends laugh, but at home, this was not me. I sat back and let my brothers take front and center stage, along with my father, as my mother and I sat back being entertained, looking pretty and saying things like “I’m fine” and cheering them on in all they did! (They were and still are super supportive of me – this was a role I took on)
By the way – I hate the word fine – did you know that? Haha. Do you too? I can’t stand it.
Can we tell I’ve hit a nerve lol. I mean – who wants to be “just” fine? I want to be incredible, amazing…not fine. I don’t want to just look fine or just feel fine or have a “fine” level of success or “fine” life – I want epicness! Don’t you?
I also said “I’m sorry” as often as someone who says “hi”.
I was the “I’m sorry girl”. My brother said it best, one day he goes, “Mel, please stop saying you’re sorry all the time – it’s like you’re apologizing for existing”.
Talk about a “sinking back in your chair” moment. My body went hot because he was right and it made me mad that I had become a girl that didn’t want to be noticed.
I didn’t want to have “too much” to say, be “too” loud, “too” funny…I stopped being me to fit in and better said, “blend in” so I wasn’t noticed.
There’s seemed to be safety in that. Safety in the blending. There is little judgement when you blend in, when you become vanilla and let your spark burn out – that beautiful unique spark we all have that makes us epically ourselves.
But so many lose it to blend in, to be liked, to feel safe and in the losing of the spark, in the blending they lose themselves and what made them so special to begin with – I did.
But then as adults, as we grow and life events happen, society, culture, family dynamics and various roles become our identities as I shared in yesterday’s episode.
And all too often I see women blend. They let go of their spice and become a girl that shops at the “Gap” (no offense to the Gap – but it’s a very basic clothing store…you get my reference;).
So as I became an adult, my quest to be me – becoming Whole, coming back to my truth of who I was before, I ever thought I was less than, due to trauma, a number on the scale and others’ views of me dictating who I was ,and what I can and can’t be – yes that was a journey but one I couldn’t ignore anymore.
The pain of not being me and living my soul’s calling – that was too painful.
Becoming Whole has sometimes felt like an uphill battle of resistance, because I had to learn this new way of being – allowing my full self to express and own my power without judgement.
It was the journey of stripping away the layers of “vanilla” that covered up my unique nature – that took away my spice, my mint chip if you will (lots of food references here, I’m hungry LOL).
Because being less than who I was, conforming to other people’s comfort zones – dimming my own light so others could shine – that was too painful and had cost me too much of my life already.
Those feelings of “not being enough” are what led me to decades of weight struggles, emotional eatings, eating disorders and body dysmorphia. I lost 2 decades of my life being fixated on my weight being what was wrong with me and obsessively dieting instead of actually living.
Me not being Whole – fully loving me, is what kept me from pursuing my dreams and playing BIG in life.
I let others dictate who I was and what I could have, what I could be and do, because my belief in myself wasn’t strong, because I wasn’t grounded in my worth, because for a long time I didn’t believe I could have it all, because I wasn’t WHOLE.
Now on the other side – in a full, deep, epic love affair with myself, I know weight loss and loving your body is a part of becoming Whole – but it’s a part, it’s not the whole pie.
Being the Whole Woman, is about believing in yourself. No longer seeking acceptance and approval from others, only from you and giving it to yourself no matter what.
The Whole woman is confident in who she is. She uses her voice and stands in her truth even when it’s uncomfortable.
The Whole woman loves herself and is the soulmate she’s always wanted in her counterpart for herself first and foremost.
The Whole woman has no limitations – she is aligned with her truth and understands the power of her words and her ability to manifest her desires with ease.
The Whole woman LOVES being a woman and owning, tapping into her feminine power and using it to effortlessly take inspired action to bring her dreams into her reality.
The Whole woman wants to have it all now and is ready to take action, to continue to grow in her journey to Wholeness!
The thing I’ve found that people need more than anything, including me, is someone to believe in them. To give them permission to dream and own their dreams. To tell them they can have every ability within them to be who they have always wanted to be, from an athlete, to author, mother to fashion designer to entrepreneur to singer and more.
I’m fortunate to have been that voice and love for my clients and I’ve seen them thrive as the result. There is a level of acceptance I believe we all seek. A level of love and approval. And I NOW, have this within me. And it feels amazing!
What I’ve found in my journey to Wholeness, was that I mastered 4 specific areas. I call them the 4 P’s to Wholeness-Physical, Psychological, Purpose and Power.
For me, it started with the physical-my body and weight – I wanted to be done with diets and obsessing over calories and my weight. But then I realized even with the weight off, I was not happy – and that it was never about the weight. But I had to learn what my body needed to thrive, how to feel strong and get lean and fit and the only way to achieve the body I have and maintain it, I know is because I subscribed to Wholeness.
Next I had to look at my mindset. And my journey to Wholeness went to focusing on the Psychological, the mental, my mindset and belief system. And I saw mine was broken. I was playing the victim. I was living in “Not Being Enough” instead of knowing I was “More Than Enough As I Was”. Which was holding me back from everything I desired.
Then, the next step in my journey to Wholeness was Purpose – pursuing my dreams. I was only able to do this because I had shifted my mindset, became a clear channel with my body to attune to the universe and tap into my inner guidance system. This is where purpose became about connection to myself, my truth and innate gifts and the universe at hand.
Lastly, in my journey to Wholeness I was called to step into my Power – the power of the Feminine. It was a new way of operating for me, based on flow, fun, creative expression, merging the feminine and masculine energy we all have in us, to live my most fabulous life, lit up and feeling more alive than ever before.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I was being guided on a distinct journey that brought me to Wholeness, a joy and feeling of magic, inner peace, confidence, boundless love and a deeper happiness than I’ve ever known. Where my desires come to me easily and I’m in constant co-creation with the universe and life.
I’d love to hear your story and I hope my sharing my own has spoken to you today and opened up a part of you to know what’s possible and to trust in the desires of your heart.
You and I are the same or you would not be here.
Where are you in your journey to Wholeness? Let me know! I’d love to hear from you – either email me directly here or share in our private, exclusive sisterhood of epic women, playing big in life in our Wholeness Group here.
Sending you so much love! Thanks for reading and hearing more of my story. I can’t wait to hear yours!
P.S. Are you ready to be the Whole Woman – the woman who wants to have it all and wants it now, on your terms?
If this is you, because this was me too 😉 then I’m excited to share – you have an opportunity to work with me privately and one-on-one in my Wholeness Elite Coaching!
I have 3 spots that I’ve opened up so I can support more women to become who they’ve always been meant to be and have the body, love and life they deserve!
Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and type – YES in the subject line and an application will be sent your way!